Putin's Divorce Sparks International Frenzy

MOSCOW-- Last week Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife, Lyudmilla, publicly announced their divorce. However, an inside leak revealed the news weeks earlier, causing mass hysteria among Russian women and some men, though male hysteria has now been criminalized. In fact, the hysteria has become so pervasive among Russians that psychologists have named the disorder, “Putin-Induced Hysteria.”

Commentators have said that the spread of PIH explains much of the current state of Russia. The Russian economy has come to a standstill ever since the women of the country have flooded the streets attempting to gain the President's attention, bearing signs that read, “I Want a Man Like Putin,” blocking streets and slowing down the already troubled Russian economy. Riots on the first day killed 26 protestors, injured hundreds more, and caused hundreds of millions of rubles in property damage. But far beyond Russia alone, the divorce of Vladimir Putin has led to much strife in Russia's foreign relations, particularly with the U.S. After Wikileaks released a private phone conversation about Putin's marital problems, the story ignited the passions of international women, particularly American women coming as exchange students. In recent days, many of these exchange students have stalked the Kremlin, attempting to find Putin and convince him of their worth. In one particularly remarkable incident, an American exchange student managed to make it all the way to Putin's bedchamber, leaving behind only a single strand of red hair. In response, Russian relations with America have turned frosty, with top officials using words like “creepy” and “awkward” to discuss Putin's current feelings towards the Americans.

But not all attempts to gain Putin's attention have been so overt. Many women are attempting to get Putin's attention through political protest. “Dissidence is the one thing that always gets Putin's attention,” says certified psychologist and sexpert Dimitri Frolov, “and given the lack of focus and the attention-grabbing nature of these protests, we can only assume they're designed to seduce Putin.” One such protest explained by Putin-Induced Hysteria is the FEMEN protest, which gained much attention in the media internationally. While the protestors claimed to be fighting sexism in Russia by exposing their breasts to its leaders, this news brings the truth to light. “A woman randomly exposing her breasts to a world leader can only mean that she wants him,” said Vlad Lavrov, the new Secretary of Putin Affairs. Putin does not condemn the protestors, as he recognizes that his own sex appeal can be “overwhelming” and admits to enjoying the spectacle.

Top officials are now taking extra measures to ensure President Putin's security. Armed KGB agents guard Putin's bed to protect him from the increasingly aggressive women. An inside source from the Kremlin has revealed that Putin plans to become an Orthodox Monk and take a vow of celibacy. While publicly this will improve Russian moral fiber, the real intent is to keep the floods of women at bay.

In similar news, Pussy Riot's new song “Fuck Putin” takes on a completely different light under this revelation.