Obama's Canine Diplomacy Expected To Have Aww-Inspiring Effects On U.S.-Russian Relations

Yesterday President Obama announced a plan to pursue peaceful with relations with Russia. Revolving around Bo and Koni, the national leaders' pet dogs, the Puppy Peace Accords is a multi-step plan to foster cooperation with Russia. The plan will involve regular play-dates between the two at both American and Russian dog parks, a treat exchange system when each is a "good dog," and the eventual conception of a U.S.-Russian littler of puppies.

In Wednesday's press conference, President Obama stated, "Let me be clear: peace with Russia will not come overnight. But I can assure you that the Puppy Peace Accords will be effective. Bo and I are committed to peace and he's a very good dog," as he then told him that he was "a cute doggy, yes [he was]."

Today President Obama and Bo traveled to Moscow to present the peace treaty to Vladimir Putin. Obama seemed confident about the meeting, explaining "After all, who could turn down peace to this face," gesturing to Bo.

UPDATE: Since the release of this article, Russia has declared war on the United States.

10th Level Of Hell Reserved Exclusively For Gingers

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BREAKING NEWS- A recently discovered and translated text of the Bible has confirmed the existence of a new level of hell. When Dante made his journey, he was unaware of this tenth circle. It is reserved for the absolute worst of humanity: Gingers. Worse than the traitors Brutus and Judas and even Satan himself, these soulless creatures reside in the deepest depths of hell.

This text was translated by top Biblical scholars at the National University of Ireland in Dublin. Scholars were visibly shaken by the implications. "We always thought the traitors were the worst God had sent," said Mallory O'Flannigan, "But it says right here in the Hebrew that gingers are wicked beyond redemption, reserved for the lowest level and the most horrible of punishment." The controversial passage which details this level is printed below:

³ And the Lord took me a step below, below where the Traitors had been kept. And he said unto to me,
⁴ “Gaze upon them, for these are the most wicked of sinners.”
⁵ Their faces were pale, as if death had never left them, and they were dotted with the Mark of Cain.

Their hair looked as if it was burning with the hellfire around them.

⁶ And the Lord said, “They were not granted a soul upon birth, and they committed a great many iniquities, stealing souls from the living.”
⁷ I felt a great evil staring into that pit.

The book also details their punishment:

⁸ And I beheld, as in that place, a star burned fiercely in the sky

⁹ And their wicked paleness was subjected to it.
¹⁰ From above, I heard them cry for balm to protect themselves, but their wish would not be granted.
¹¹ And their flesh shall grew red and flaked as they forever suffer the wrath of the Lord.”

This passage will be incorporated into a new book entitled 4 John, detailing the author's trip into hell with Jesus. The book includes many shocking revelations, such as that God does in fact, hate figs.

The controversial text has received cries of criticism and outrage from all across the Ginger spectrum, sparking a movement among Ginger rights advocates that demands both re-examination of the text for possible fraudulence and Ginger equality. The movement is rapidly gaining force, culminating in riots in Glasgow and Dublin on Thursday.

A countermovement has been formed in support of the text, advocating the banishment of the evil race to the United Kingdom.

Though now facing hair-discrimination, the Ginger population has proven a force to be reckoned with, a voice that will not be silenced.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The editor would like to disclose that she herself is in fact a Ginger and stands firmly on the side of Ginger Rights Advocates. Gingers are people too.]

Nintendo's Sixth Generation Of Pokémon Leaves Frustrated Gamers Disillusioned

On Tuesday Nintendo announced the release of Pokémon X and Pokémon Y, the sixth generation of games in the Pokémon franchise. For the first time, the games will feature 3-D graphics. Despite such ground-breaking developments, the news was met with negative reactions from the Pokéfandom.

As Scott Cameron, senior at Georgia Tech puts it, “I wanted to be the very best, like no one ever was...until I realized that it was impossible. The game has destroyed my dreams of ever becoming a Pokémon master.” Cameron is not the only one with this sentiment. With the Pokédex now totaling over 700 Pokémon and still growing, many fans feel jaded having realized that the goal of catching them all is indeed impossible.

Psychologists around the country are capitalizing on the disaffection. “Often times, the obsessive desire to catch them all stems from larger feelings of inadequacy, often in socially awkward young males,” wrote Dr. Adrian Nyman, author of Learning to Live Without Them All.

Despite the widespread negativity among gamers, Nintendo does not expect sales to suffer. “We've been selling these games for nearly 20 years. They're hooked. The morons wouldn't be able to stop now, even if they wanted to,” said Satoshi Tajiri, creator of the Pokémon franchise.

Nintendo's prediction of the games' success on the market was confirmed when self-described Pokémaniac Frank Fleming said, “Fuck it, I'm going to play it anyways.”

Queer Community To Extend Acronym To Include Entire Alphabet

Forget LGBTQIA. Soon, the politically correct acronym for the Queer community will become ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ, the Human Rights Campaign announced yesterday.

William Gillespie, GLAAD spokesman, explains “We felt the former acronym was too limiting. Now, everyone can be a member of the Queer community.”

Proponents commend the new acronym for its all-inclusive nature. “It's great,” says Alcia Urbina. “I've been attracted to men, women, and everything in between and I never felt that I could define every aspect of my sexuality. Now, with the new acronym, I identify as Metasexual- the state of being attracted to sex itself. I'm glad that it allows me to embrace my free and fluid sexuality while being a part of the Queer community.”

Despite support for the addition, conservative religious groups have criticized the new acronym, arguing that it condones sexual deviance. “There should only be one letter, and that's 'G' for God,” attests John Tremblay, spokesman for C.L.O.S.E.T. (Christian League Of Serious Evangelical Talks).

Controversy aside, the Queer community has embraced the new acronym. As GLAAD President Herndon Graddick puts it, “It's sensitive, inclusive, and streamlined. No longer do we have to arrange the letters. If you can sing the alphabet, you can be sensitive to the Queer community.”

Fearing Heights, Obama Has Recurring Nightmares Of Fiscal Cliff

President Obama has had recurring nightmares of the fiscal cliff crisis, according to his Psychologist, Dr. Adam Field. The President recounts his nightmare in a conversation with Dr. Field: “I'm standing at the edge of the fiscal cliff, staring into the abyss. It's such a long way down...deep and dark. Then, suddenly, John Boehner appears from behind and pushes me off the cliff, laughing manically as I fall. It's terrifying,” explains Obama.

According to Dr. Field, the President's nightmares stem from a deeply-rooted fear of heights. And Republicans.

In an address to the nation, President Obama said in desperation, “We must solve the fiscal cliff crisis! I'm calling on Congress to save me from my night...I mean, uh, save the middle class. We must save the middle class, the backbone of this nation.”

The mental sanity of President Obama has fallen in the hands of Congress, having only hours remaining to act.

Adele Shows Up Out Of The Blue And Uninvited, Muders Ex

LONDON- Adele Adkins, hit U.K. Pop artist, brutally murdered her ex-boyfriend, Archie Dobson, last week.

Reports indicate that Adele payed a surprise visit to Dobson's home last Thursday night. Dobson answered the door and was shocked to discover a deranged-looking Adele holding a knife. She proceeded to stab him in the heart 21 times.

“I can't believe it. I remember Archie behaving incredibly paranoid when that bloody song was released. I had no idea that Adele was capable of something so heinous,” said Emma Greenwood, Dobson's fiancé.

Despite Adele's resolve to move on and find someone like him, she evidently had not succeeded, as she had been stalking Dobson for months, sources indicate. This, however, is not Adele's first incident. She is now a suspect for the murder of another of her ex-boyfriends, Rainn Kennedy, who mysteriously died in a fire last year.

Rumor has it that Adele will record her next album, “25”, while incarcerated. Tracks will include new single, “Revenge (Don't Break My Heart)”.