BREAKING
NEWS- A recently discovered and translated text of the Bible has
confirmed the existence of a new level of hell. When Dante made his
journey, he was unaware of this tenth circle. It is reserved for the
absolute worst of humanity: Gingers. Worse than the traitors Brutus
and Judas and even Satan himself, these soulless creatures reside in
the deepest depths of hell.
This
text was translated by top Biblical scholars at the National
University of Ireland in Dublin. Scholars were visibly shaken by the
implications. "We always thought the traitors were the worst God
had sent," said Mallory O'Flannigan, "But it says right
here in the Hebrew that gingers are wicked beyond redemption,
reserved for the lowest level and the most horrible of punishment."
The controversial passage which details this level is printed below:
3
And the Lord took me a step below, below where the Traitors had
been kept. And he said unto to me,
4 “Gaze upon them, for these are the most wicked of sinners.”
5 Their faces were pale, as if death had never left them, and they were dotted with the Mark of Cain.
4 “Gaze upon them, for these are the most wicked of sinners.”
5 Their faces were pale, as if death had never left them, and they were dotted with the Mark of Cain.
Their hair looked as if it was burning with the
hellfire around them.
6
And the Lord said, “They were not granted a soul upon birth,
and they committed a great many iniquities, stealing souls from the
living.”
7 I felt a great evil staring into that pit.
7 I felt a great evil staring into that pit.
The
book also details their punishment:
8
And I beheld, as in that place, a star burned fiercely in the
sky
9
And their wicked paleness was subjected to it.
10 From above, I heard them cry for balm to protect themselves, but their wish would not be granted.
11 And their flesh shall grew red and flaked as they forever suffer the wrath of the Lord.”
10 From above, I heard them cry for balm to protect themselves, but their wish would not be granted.
11 And their flesh shall grew red and flaked as they forever suffer the wrath of the Lord.”
This
passage will be incorporated into a new book entitled 4 John,
detailing the author's trip into hell with Jesus. The book includes
many shocking revelations, such as that God does in fact, hate figs.
The
controversial text has received cries of criticism and outrage from
all across the Ginger spectrum, sparking a movement among Ginger
rights advocates that demands both re-examination of the text for
possible fraudulence and Ginger equality. The movement is rapidly gaining
force, culminating in riots in Glasgow and Dublin on Thursday.
A
countermovement has been formed in support of the text, advocating
the banishment of the evil race to the United Kingdom.
Though
now facing hair-discrimination, the Ginger population has proven a
force to be reckoned with, a voice that will not be silenced.
[EDITOR'S
NOTE: The editor would like to disclose that she herself is in fact a
Ginger and stands firmly on the side of Ginger Rights Advocates.
Gingers are people too.]
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