Putin's Divorce Sparks International Frenzy

MOSCOW-- Last week Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife, Lyudmilla, publicly announced their divorce. However, an inside leak revealed the news weeks earlier, causing mass hysteria among Russian women and some men, though male hysteria has now been criminalized. In fact, the hysteria has become so pervasive among Russians that psychologists have named the disorder, “Putin-Induced Hysteria.”

Commentators have said that the spread of PIH explains much of the current state of Russia. The Russian economy has come to a standstill ever since the women of the country have flooded the streets attempting to gain the President's attention, bearing signs that read, “I Want a Man Like Putin,” blocking streets and slowing down the already troubled Russian economy. Riots on the first day killed 26 protestors, injured hundreds more, and caused hundreds of millions of rubles in property damage. But far beyond Russia alone, the divorce of Vladimir Putin has led to much strife in Russia's foreign relations, particularly with the U.S. After Wikileaks released a private phone conversation about Putin's marital problems, the story ignited the passions of international women, particularly American women coming as exchange students. In recent days, many of these exchange students have stalked the Kremlin, attempting to find Putin and convince him of their worth. In one particularly remarkable incident, an American exchange student managed to make it all the way to Putin's bedchamber, leaving behind only a single strand of red hair. In response, Russian relations with America have turned frosty, with top officials using words like “creepy” and “awkward” to discuss Putin's current feelings towards the Americans.

But not all attempts to gain Putin's attention have been so overt. Many women are attempting to get Putin's attention through political protest. “Dissidence is the one thing that always gets Putin's attention,” says certified psychologist and sexpert Dimitri Frolov, “and given the lack of focus and the attention-grabbing nature of these protests, we can only assume they're designed to seduce Putin.” One such protest explained by Putin-Induced Hysteria is the FEMEN protest, which gained much attention in the media internationally. While the protestors claimed to be fighting sexism in Russia by exposing their breasts to its leaders, this news brings the truth to light. “A woman randomly exposing her breasts to a world leader can only mean that she wants him,” said Vlad Lavrov, the new Secretary of Putin Affairs. Putin does not condemn the protestors, as he recognizes that his own sex appeal can be “overwhelming” and admits to enjoying the spectacle.

Top officials are now taking extra measures to ensure President Putin's security. Armed KGB agents guard Putin's bed to protect him from the increasingly aggressive women. An inside source from the Kremlin has revealed that Putin plans to become an Orthodox Monk and take a vow of celibacy. While publicly this will improve Russian moral fiber, the real intent is to keep the floods of women at bay.

In similar news, Pussy Riot's new song “Fuck Putin” takes on a completely different light under this revelation.

Dear Leader Gloriously Defeats Western Imperialism; Is Handsome

Real and True Picture of Glorious Battle

(Glorious and Supreme Editor's Note: After daring commando raid by Highly Trained and Not Starving Best Korean army, Glorious Leader Kim Jong Un has taken control of this Western Propaganda outlet and it will now only tell truth.)

After 3 hours of war, the American Imperialists have officially surrendered to the Glorious Korean People's Army thanks to the military brilliance and inspirational power of Kim Jong Un, who rode into battle on a glorious white stallion and single-handedly took out 3000 American soldiers with his powerful muscles. 

The war began after the corrupt United States of America attempted to further its imperialist ambitions by limiting North Korean power. They tried to take away North Korea's rightfully obtained nuclear weapons, which were not at all forbidden. They also made all attempt to oppress South Korea and keep it from being united with its Northern brothers. Their attempts had become too great for even the wise Kim Jong Un to bear. After long consulting with his top military generals and weighing all options, the spirits of his ancestors, Kim Jong Il and Kim Il Sung, came down to guide him towards the right path. “I did not want to war with their evil,” Kim Jong Un said in a voice that made those standing in a hundred foot radius openly weep, “but it had to be done.  For the good of Korean people.”

Of course, as all expected, the war was shortly over. Upon stepping foot in American territory, half of the country instantly surrendered as they recognized the might of Korea and its ways. “I merely felt the righteous people's way of Korea once Kim Jong Un breathed American air,” said Becky Johnson, who resigned from her job as Western Capitalist Professor at Indoctrination School to become grain farmer for good of all. But not all were so receptive to their might.

The remaining Imperialist Greed Forces attempted to stop the Glorious Leader's advance. They were lead by the Imperialist American “President” Barack Obama, who had assumed his true horned form. Obama led the Forces into futile battle with Dear Leader, crying that he would “somehow take all the food from North Korea” and that “Kim Jong Il looked like the offspring of a High School Janitor and your average grandmother,” both of which all true Koreans know are Imperialist lies. The battle was swift, as the well-trained and technologically advanced forces of the Korean People's Army overwhelmed the shoddily constructed American Western Greed Army. Kim Jong Un personally dealt with the Capitalist Devil Obama himself, defeating him with a headlock. As he was carried away to the Concentration Camps where your families do not go, Obama was then quoted as saying “Oh! How could I have trifled with Dear Leader and the mighty People's Army! He was simply too great and has fantastic hair.”

For their role, the military soldiers will receive a military ration and one member of their family who had been lost in the difficult to navigate Mountains that are not camps will be found. And Kim Jong Un will be given all military honors from all countries that he is now the head of, which will be all of them when the UN recognizes North Korea as rightful ruler next Sunday.

In food news, you've had enough.

73% Of Nation's Population Attributed to Holidays

A recent study by Frayed Knot News shows that a vast majority of this nation was conceived under celebratory circumstances.

“Holidays really have a way of turning people on,” said Vadim Yermolayev, certified Sexpert.

“Mommy said I was a birthday present to daddy!” chirped Alice Williams. “Yeah! And I was a Christmas miracle,” chimed in her brother Ryan.

U.S. Policymakers are utilizing the new study to deal with the rapidly growing population. “It's simple. If we want to reduce population growth, we just have to get rid of all the national holidays,” says Jeffery Cruickshank, U.S. Policymaker.

Now, everyone has another reason to be thankful during the holidays: their existence. See survey results below.

Survey: Under what circumstances was your child conceived?

26% Valentine's Day

18% Birthday

16% Anniversary

8% Christmas

5% New Year's Eve

2% Virgin Birth

Obama's Canine Diplomacy Expected To Have Aww-Inspiring Effects On U.S.-Russian Relations

Yesterday President Obama announced a plan to pursue peaceful with relations with Russia. Revolving around Bo and Koni, the national leaders' pet dogs, the Puppy Peace Accords is a multi-step plan to foster cooperation with Russia. The plan will involve regular play-dates between the two at both American and Russian dog parks, a treat exchange system when each is a "good dog," and the eventual conception of a U.S.-Russian littler of puppies.

In Wednesday's press conference, President Obama stated, "Let me be clear: peace with Russia will not come overnight. But I can assure you that the Puppy Peace Accords will be effective. Bo and I are committed to peace and he's a very good dog," as he then told him that he was "a cute doggy, yes [he was]."

Today President Obama and Bo traveled to Moscow to present the peace treaty to Vladimir Putin. Obama seemed confident about the meeting, explaining "After all, who could turn down peace to this face," gesturing to Bo.

UPDATE: Since the release of this article, Russia has declared war on the United States.

10th Level Of Hell Reserved Exclusively For Gingers

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BREAKING NEWS- A recently discovered and translated text of the Bible has confirmed the existence of a new level of hell. When Dante made his journey, he was unaware of this tenth circle. It is reserved for the absolute worst of humanity: Gingers. Worse than the traitors Brutus and Judas and even Satan himself, these soulless creatures reside in the deepest depths of hell.

This text was translated by top Biblical scholars at the National University of Ireland in Dublin. Scholars were visibly shaken by the implications. "We always thought the traitors were the worst God had sent," said Mallory O'Flannigan, "But it says right here in the Hebrew that gingers are wicked beyond redemption, reserved for the lowest level and the most horrible of punishment." The controversial passage which details this level is printed below:

³ And the Lord took me a step below, below where the Traitors had been kept. And he said unto to me,
⁴ “Gaze upon them, for these are the most wicked of sinners.”
⁵ Their faces were pale, as if death had never left them, and they were dotted with the Mark of Cain.

Their hair looked as if it was burning with the hellfire around them.

⁶ And the Lord said, “They were not granted a soul upon birth, and they committed a great many iniquities, stealing souls from the living.”
⁷ I felt a great evil staring into that pit.

The book also details their punishment:

⁸ And I beheld, as in that place, a star burned fiercely in the sky

⁹ And their wicked paleness was subjected to it.
¹⁰ From above, I heard them cry for balm to protect themselves, but their wish would not be granted.
¹¹ And their flesh shall grew red and flaked as they forever suffer the wrath of the Lord.”

This passage will be incorporated into a new book entitled 4 John, detailing the author's trip into hell with Jesus. The book includes many shocking revelations, such as that God does in fact, hate figs.

The controversial text has received cries of criticism and outrage from all across the Ginger spectrum, sparking a movement among Ginger rights advocates that demands both re-examination of the text for possible fraudulence and Ginger equality. The movement is rapidly gaining force, culminating in riots in Glasgow and Dublin on Thursday.

A countermovement has been formed in support of the text, advocating the banishment of the evil race to the United Kingdom.

Though now facing hair-discrimination, the Ginger population has proven a force to be reckoned with, a voice that will not be silenced.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The editor would like to disclose that she herself is in fact a Ginger and stands firmly on the side of Ginger Rights Advocates. Gingers are people too.]

Nintendo's Sixth Generation Of Pokémon Leaves Frustrated Gamers Disillusioned

On Tuesday Nintendo announced the release of Pokémon X and Pokémon Y, the sixth generation of games in the Pokémon franchise. For the first time, the games will feature 3-D graphics. Despite such ground-breaking developments, the news was met with negative reactions from the Pokéfandom.

As Scott Cameron, senior at Georgia Tech puts it, “I wanted to be the very best, like no one ever was...until I realized that it was impossible. The game has destroyed my dreams of ever becoming a Pokémon master.” Cameron is not the only one with this sentiment. With the Pokédex now totaling over 700 Pokémon and still growing, many fans feel jaded having realized that the goal of catching them all is indeed impossible.

Psychologists around the country are capitalizing on the disaffection. “Often times, the obsessive desire to catch them all stems from larger feelings of inadequacy, often in socially awkward young males,” wrote Dr. Adrian Nyman, author of Learning to Live Without Them All.

Despite the widespread negativity among gamers, Nintendo does not expect sales to suffer. “We've been selling these games for nearly 20 years. They're hooked. The morons wouldn't be able to stop now, even if they wanted to,” said Satoshi Tajiri, creator of the Pokémon franchise.

Nintendo's prediction of the games' success on the market was confirmed when self-described Pokémaniac Frank Fleming said, “Fuck it, I'm going to play it anyways.”

Queer Community To Extend Acronym To Include Entire Alphabet

Forget LGBTQIA. Soon, the politically correct acronym for the Queer community will become ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ, the Human Rights Campaign announced yesterday.

William Gillespie, GLAAD spokesman, explains “We felt the former acronym was too limiting. Now, everyone can be a member of the Queer community.”

Proponents commend the new acronym for its all-inclusive nature. “It's great,” says Alcia Urbina. “I've been attracted to men, women, and everything in between and I never felt that I could define every aspect of my sexuality. Now, with the new acronym, I identify as Metasexual- the state of being attracted to sex itself. I'm glad that it allows me to embrace my free and fluid sexuality while being a part of the Queer community.”

Despite support for the addition, conservative religious groups have criticized the new acronym, arguing that it condones sexual deviance. “There should only be one letter, and that's 'G' for God,” attests John Tremblay, spokesman for C.L.O.S.E.T. (Christian League Of Serious Evangelical Talks).

Controversy aside, the Queer community has embraced the new acronym. As GLAAD President Herndon Graddick puts it, “It's sensitive, inclusive, and streamlined. No longer do we have to arrange the letters. If you can sing the alphabet, you can be sensitive to the Queer community.”